[side notes]

So, it is a fairly well-known fact that humans fear death. To elaborate, I'll be citing Wikipedia (my favorite!):

" Psychologists have addressed the hypothesis that fear of death motivates religious commitment, and that it may be alleviated by assurances about an afterlife. Empirical research on this topic has been equivocal. According to Kahoe and Dunn, people who are most firm in their faith and attend religious services weekly are the least afraid of dying. People who hold a loose religious faith are the most anxious, and people who are not religious are intermediate in their fear of death. A survey of people in various Christian denominations showed a positive correlation between fear of death and dogmatic adherence to religious doctrine. In other words, Christian fundamentalism and other strict interpretations of the Bible are associated with greater fear of death. Furthermore, some religious orientations were more effective than others in allaying that fear.^[9]

In another study, data from a sample of white, Christian men and women were used to test the hypothesis that traditional, church-centered religiousness and de-institutionalized spiritual seeking are distinct ways of approaching fear of death in old age. Both religiousness and spirituality were related to positive psychosocial functioning, but only church-centered religiousness protected subjects against the fear of death.^[10]

Fear of death is also known as death anxiety. This may be a more accurate label because, like other anxieties, the emotional state in question is long lasting and not typically linked to a specific stimulus. The analysis of fear of death, death anxiety, and concerns over mortality is an important feature of existentialism and terror management theory. "

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fear#Fear_and_death

Now, I would argue that the fear of death referred to applies not only to death (although, obviously that is our biggest fear), but also to the end of all good things.
This trip has been, for me, one of the biggest times of growth in my life, ever. I honestly cannot think of any other time in my life when I have changed so much in such a short span of time. It would be natural, then, for me to fear the end. I fear having to go home, to return to society, to return to morbidly obese, self-obsessed, Midwest America (I have so much pride for my country!). It just doesn't sound too appealing. I feel like while I've been here, everything is so surreal. It's like I don't live in reality anymore, I'm just stuck in this semi-virtual-reality-do-whatever-you-want-This-is-Africa world thing. Ultimately, I think that my greatest fear is returning to the real world, where I have real classes, and real money, and a real life. Doesn't sound so great, does it? In addition, we all have a fear of the unknown, and my life after this is pretty unknown. How am I going to reintegrate into society? How will this fit into my relationship? Who am I going to hang out with now? Clearly, I have more questions than answers.
So, I'm talking to my friend Suzy (one of the spring semester students who decided to stay during the summer; I'm currently sleeping in her old bed), and I'm telling her how sad it is that I have to leave. Not only sad, but frustrating. There's still so much I want to do! There's still so much I want to see and learn and experience. But there's just no time. So, instead of encouraging my tragedy, she gives me some of the best advice I've ever heard. She says (and this is paraphrased), "Don't be sad that you have to leave, just be thankful that you got the opportunity to come and live in this amazing place. Not many people get that change." Now, that may seem way too cheerful for my attitude, but I actually took it to heart (obviously, I'm writing about it right now). For some reason, this advice has really stuck with me and I've actually managed to apply it to other parts of my life. So, I'm not really sure where this is going, I just thought I'd share that gem with you all. Don't worry, I'm not suddenly going to turn into Little Miss Sunshine over here (although I do love that movie!), I'm just saying maybe it's time for a bit of a fresh perspective.

Sincerely,

Jason

" Whether at bars, parties, tailgates, classroom buildings or just hanging out in dorms, Notre Dame Students love to form small circles. These small circles are critical to the Notre Dame social scene not only for their functional practicality, but also because of what their existence tells other people.

While small circles can be seen almost anywhere, the most common place to see small circles is at bars. The Backer, Finnegan’s, Fever, and Corby’s are all places where small circles are frequently seen. Small circles are important at bars because they allow the Students to talk to each of their friends despite the loud songs, and also allow the students to more effectively sing the choruses of said loud songs as opposed to awkwardly standing alone. Small circles are especially critical for certain songs, such as God Bless the USA and Piano Man, so that Students can put their arms around each other and sway to the music.

Small circles are also important for their ramifications on the Notre Dame social scene. You can tell a lot about a person by what small circle they are a part of. While Notre Dame Students are inherently uncool, you discover things about the crowd a person rolls with by looking at the members of their small circles. Small circles are most readily formed by people who went abroad together, people that play in the marching band together, people who lived in dorms together, and people who served on student government committees together. A Notre Dame Student will quickly know if they can join a small circle just by the people who are in it.

Small circles are important to the Notre Dame social scene because they facilitate the notion of the group. If a Notre Dame Student wants to enter into a long-term relationship with another Notre Dame Student, the obvious first step is to enter into a small circle with them. The small circle is the first step in any good Notre Dame relationship, or even any Notre Dame friendship, and it should not be forgotten. "

http://www.thingsnotredamestudentslike.com/

Clearly, small social groups (circles, as bob likes to call them) are critical to the existence of Notre Dame students. If one does not have a group, then he is a social outcast. Incoming freshman fret not finding a group and will do anything to be a part of one, even if they have very little in common with other group members. Students will skip meals to avoid having to go to the dining hall alone and possibly encounter an awkward situation. It is as if the university teaches dependence on a group, rejecting any value associated with independence.
Now, as bob mentions, one of the groups that forms is the group of students who travel abroad together. Certainly, we are no exception. Although our program is only six weeks long, I have no doubt that we will continue to hang out with some regularity if not frequency, once we return to South Bend. I have no objection, quite the opposite, in fact. I quite look forward to seeing everyone on campus and loudly shouting "WYNBERG!!!!!!" to Mary as she walks toward DeBart. What I don't like, however, is the necessity of people to stay in groups while in Cape Town. It's like people have to get a threesome together just to walk the four blocks to Pick 'N Pay. Now, I recognize that it's different because I'm a boy so I have fewer safety issues to deal with, but is it really that scary to walk four blocks in a decent area in broad daylight? Perhaps I'm too judgmental (ok, I'm definitely too judgmental).
So, excuse me for wanting to break out. It's not that I've become antisocial, just frustrated. For example, one day for lunch I go to Kuaii for lunch (chicken caesar salad = heaven) and to read some more of Me Talk Pretty One Day. So, I finish lunch and walk back to class and arrive a few minutes early. I sit down and listen to music and a few minutes later Molly and the typical gang walk in. She asks what I'm doing there by myself, I answer, and it's like she's looking at an alien. Why am I suddenly seen as the weirdest person ever? For wanting to be alone. Now, I consider myself a very social and sociable person, but sometimes I just want time alone. When I'm alone, I can actually think, I can reflect, and I notice things that I wouldn't normally. I can take time to stare at the clouds without holding people up and I can go wherever I want whenever I want and I don't have to consider others. So call me selfish. I will be the first to admit that a.) I'm pretty easy to live with (I hope) and b.) I quickly get annoyed when being with people too much. It's not that I'm difficult to live with, but more so that it's difficult to live with me (if that makes any sense). Naturally, after living with people for six weeks, going to class with them, and going out with them every night, you start noticing the little things. Well maybe I'm just extra observant because it only took me 3 weeks to start picking them out (yes, I'm a bitch).
So, I decided that instead of whining I should actually do something. This weekend I went to Muizenberg beach all by myself (*pats myself on back*). Let me tell you, it was great, in a very strange sort of way. I'm still getting used to the whole alone in public thing so it definitely felt strange as I watched families, friends, and partners playing in the sand while I sat there reading my book, but it was a good weird. I enjoyed just sitting there and watching the tide roll in. I enjoyed looking out into the infinite sea and seeing no end beyond the horizon. I actually enjoyed being alone.
So, here's to independence! The next time you see me, I may just be alone, reading a book, or staring at the sky.

Sincerely,

Jason

So, it would seem as if one of the many reoccurring themes of my summer would be cheating; no, not cheating on a test (although that will probably be the topic of another post), but cheating on one's boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/boo baby/etc. Now, don't go jumping to any conclusions! The issue actually arose at the very beginning of the summer when two of my close friends were involved in relationships where someone had allegedly cheated. Of course there was suspicion, accusation, fighting, loss of friends, and all of the really horrible events that accompany cheating; however, it seemed that what no one could agree upon was what cheating was exactly. No one could give a precise definition, and if they tried they certainly couldn't come to an agreement with anyone else. Everyone seems to have their own ideas and preconceptions. So there I am, trying to be mediator in a situation of which I only know one side. Of course I want to tell my friend that what she did wasn't cheating and that everyone else is just being a bitch, but come on, a home wrecker's a home wrecker no matter what term you prefer. And naturally I want to tell a friend that what she did is acceptable because in her head the relationship was over, but guess what hunny, it wasn't over! So where does one draw the line? Is it with a kiss? Making out? Having Sex (there's a whole other definition to fight over)? And what about dating someone else while not getting physical? When does it go from a friendly dinner to a date? When are they too close? I fear I may be asking questions that have no answer.
The ultimate tragedy, I feel, is that not only are relationships ended by suspicion taken too far, but entire groups of friends are torn apart. People feel the need to choose sides, that they must believe their friend simply because she's their friend, as if he or she could never mess up. They choose sides based on one perspective, rarely hearing both sides of the argument. They choose sides and by doing so divorce themselves from opposing parties, ending possibly decade-long friendships over a simple yet exaggerated break-up.
So, where do I fit into all of this? Well, this summer has been the first time that cheating has ever been an option. Yes, I've been in a relationship for 8 months, but this is the first time I've ever been in a relationship and been away from my boyfriend. To put it plainly, this is the first time that temptation has ever been, well, tempting. So, here I am in Cape Town, aka hookup central, trying to figure out what cheating is, what cheating isn't, and how to know the difference. My intention is not to go as far as I can without crossing the line; it's just that I'm confused! So, I've began asking around. Asking people who are in relationships, who've broken up, who've cheated and who've been cheated on. I ask, "what is cheating?," "If your signifcant other cheated, would you want to know?," "If you found out he/she cheated, would you want to know?," and on and on. I've found that in this case results may vary and rather drastically. So, I took it to class and allowed Anre to mediate.
I was a little surprised at how passionate people were on the issue. Some because they had been cheated on themselves, and others, I would imagine, because they've thought a lot about it. So, he asks the class if we were to cheat, would we tell our significant other if we knew that it would end the relationship immediately. 12 out of 14 of us raised their hands. Unsurprisingly, I was one of the two not to. Now, before you assume I'm a cheating skank, let me explain. I'd love to be the first person to say that if I ever cheated I would immediately call home and confess, but I can't say that because I've never been in that situation. It's easy to say that you'd do the right thing, but it's often incredibly difficult to actually do it. [on a side note, this reminds me of a conversation we had at Kruger regarding abortion when one of the girls said that they could never do it, and another responded by asking if she'd ever had a pregnancy scare. let me just say that it puts things into perspective pretty quickly] So, there I was looking like a cheating whore, as the class pass judgment (really though, I'm pretty sure it would be the first or even the hundredth time they passed judgment on me so at this point what have I got to lose?) and I try to explain myself in the oncoming barrage of glares and stares. Finally, I make my point that unless someone had in fact cheated before, they really had no place to be raising their hand. Well, that didn't change many minds, but at least I got my point out there. My favorite comment, however, was when one girl (I'll let you guess who) mentioned that she would tell her boyfriend, but she would play it off like it somehow wasn't her fault. No comment.
So, then came the next question; "If your significant other cheated on you, would you want to know?" This time the response was a little more mixed, as about half raised their hands and half did not. Here, we actually some valid candidates for experience-based discussion. We had at least two girls who had been cheated on in the past, but handled it very differently. The first immediately broke up with her boyfriend and they've been on rocky terms, even as friends, ever since. The second also broke up, but within two weeks they were back together and they are still together to this day. So, who's right? Again, this reflects the different personalities apparent in the class, and also reveals the great disparity between men and women. The first girl is more conservative and openly admits to being a very jealous woman. The second is more liberal, open, and just very good at accepting whatever life brings her. I would hope to be more to the second, but we are all jaded when it comes to analyzing our own personalities. The real question, I would argue, is who's happier?
Anre followed up by asking the reasons why they broke up immediately, and everyone agreed (for once) that it was due to a lack of trust. He had broken the trust that the relationship was based on, so without it there could be no relationship. Of course, the inevitable debate followed as to whether the trust could ever be restored, and if it could, what action or event would have to take place for restoration to occur. Pretty unsurprisingly, the first argued that no, once it is broken, it could never be restored, while the second thought that it could (and apparently has been).
I'm honestly not quite sure where I stand on this issue. I think that trust can always be restored, but both parties have to want it, and it will rarely come easily. Another really fantastic comment came from a girl who said that trust could be restored partially, but not fully, say maybe 93% (yes, that is what she said. yes, it was actually that arbitrary). So, Anre rebuts that, in his opinion, you either trust someone, or you don't; it's all or nothing and can't be in between. This is another point that I'm not quite sure I agree with. I think that there are levels of trust between two people. For example, I may trust an acquaintance with watching my things while I go to the bathroom, but I wouldn't necessarily trust them to hold all of my secrets. So, in this regard, I think that there are levels of trust. I also think that there is a minimum level of trust necessary for a romantic relationship to be functional. So, in that respect, I suppose it is all or nothing. So what if I trust someone, but not to the point of getting romantically involved again? I guess that was, in some way, Anre's point, it simply won't work.
I also think that the level of offense plays a huge part in how trust is restored. Did he drunkenly hook up at a club? Or did he repeatedly go on dates behind my back? To be honestly, I think I could fairly quickly overlook a drunken make out. I mean, I'm not going to act like I'm not a horny teenager who hasn't seen his boyfriend in two months. I am. And I know how easy it can be to go from drunkenly dancing with someone to drunkenly making out in a split second. It just happens. I'm not saying that it's excusable, just that I can understand, and I'm not saying that trust wouldn't be broken, just that it would be easier to restore. On the other hand, if someone were to go behind my back and go on dates, that would be a completely different issue. I think that the difference lies in intent. If someone makes out, the intent is to do something that's instantly gratifying because they're drunk and dumb enough to not know the difference. I get that. If someone is actively dating another, then clearly they aren't emotionally satisfied with our current relationship, and are looking to make up for that lack of satisfaction by fleeing to the arms of someone else. That's a problem. I would hope that they would be able to talk to me about it and either decide that we need to work it out or break it off, but going behind my back like that would be a complete loss of trust that would take a lot to fix.
So, would I want to know if he cheated? I really can't say, and honestly it doesn't matter, because I'm either going to find out or not, and my desire to know or not to know probably won't make any difference. So yeah, I'd like to say that I would want to know, but as they say, ignorance is bliss.
So there's my brief analysis lol.

Sincerely,

Jason

So, I am well aware of the fact that this post is waaaaaaaaaay overdue, and that I probably should have started journaling three weeks ago, but thus is life and thus is the life of a chronic procrastinator. For me, one of the most intimidating things about journaling is twofold:
a) I never know where to start
b) My mind is running at roughly 5 trillion thoughts per second, so writing them down isn't always the easiest thing for me to do.
For the sake of anyone reading this (if there even is anyone reading this), and for my own sake when I hopefully come back and read this later, I will try to stay somewhat on track. Nonetheless, I simply ask that you bear with me as I try to sort through the many things my mind is telling me.
Like I said on my other blog, Notes on Contemplation, [side notes] is a much more private journal. Obviously, I am making it available to be read by anyone, but I hope that you take a much more serious approach to what I have to say. The thoughts that are inside my head are not always expressed, often remaining hidden, buried deep in the web of ideas that make up my mind. I am going to use [side notes] to try to sort through that web and bring some of those thoughts to the surface. You may not always agree, or even understand what I have to say. Some of my be shocking, some of it may be offensive, and some of it may tempt you to judge me rather harshly. I simply ask that you have an open mind and an open heart while reading this. In life, I try to take a more critical view when examining things. That doesn't necessarily mean that I am trying to criticize, only that I what to see things for what they truly are, if that is even possible. If you have any questions about something, by all means ask me. I want this journal to encourage thoughts and reflections on behalf of those who read it, whether you agree with what I think or not. If that doesn't sound like something your interested in, then I kindly ask that you not read [side notes]. I will continue posting on Notes on Contemplation with a rough outline of my activities, so don't feel like you're missing out. [side notes] is something different, and something that I think will be very special.

Sincerely,

Jason